Many of you who know me know that there is some very popular comedy that I just... don't get. Specifically, the magic of Seinfeld. Note that I am referring to not understanding Seinfeld: The Show, and not Seinfeld: The Person.
Here's the FAQ:
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: I just don't find it very funny.
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: Um, I guess I just don't feel anything for any of the characters?
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: I-I just... look, I don't need specific reasons not to like-
Q: But how can you not like Seinfeld?
A: No further comment.
For those of you that were paying attention, each of those questions was written as though asked by each of the characters from the show. Have fun figuring out which was which!
Seinfeld was a creation of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, both of whom are fabulously wealthy from the proceeds of not making me laugh. Larry David has another hit comedy show called Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Why on earth am I bringing this up? Because the other day, I had a conversation with my good friend Scott that somehow morphed into me writing a description of what it would be like if I met Larry David. Anyway, I took time out of my life to write it up just so I could impress upon Scott how serious I was about wanting to take a break at that time (because I totally wouldn't have written this up while I was on the clock, that would be dishonest.)
Without further ado, here is the original script for "Meeting Larry David". I hope you enjoy it as much as I didn't.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
ME – Me
LARRY – Larry David
BOB – Our mutual friend
INT Restaurant. It’s a Mexican restaurant, with lots of South of the Border flare. BOB and ME are sitting
at a table.
BOB
I can’t wait for you to meet Larry! We should have done this years ago.
ME
You’ve told me so much about him, I feel like I know him already.
BOB
He’s a lot like you. He’s got a really different sense of humour. Man, when he gets going at a party
WATCH OUT!
ME
Does he know how to get here?
BOB
Oh yeah, this is his favorite place, we eat here all the time. Here he is! Larry! Over here!
LARRY
Hey Bob.
BOB
Larry, this is my friend Weh. Weh, this is Larry.
ME
Nice to meet you, Larry. Bob’s talked about you so much that I feel like I already know you!
LARRY
That’s nice.
(BOB looks back and forth between LARRY and ME. He has a huge stupid smile on his face and is
practically vibrating from excitement.)
ME
Yeah…so.
BOB
Larry lives in LA! Right Larry?
LARRY
Yes, Los Angeles. But I’m not from there. I’m just of there.
ME
I’ve only been there once, but we had a great time.
LARRY
Good, good.
(BOB laughs maniacally.)
BOB
You guys!
ME
Yeah…
CUT TO: The three of them are eating appetizers. LARRY is telling a story and BOB is laughing so hard
that he is crying.
LARRY
…and that’s when I said this is the worst airline I’ve ever not flown on.
BOB
(Breathless) I…can’t-hahaha-believe-hahahaha-they’d do that!
ME
That’s pretty funny.
LARRY
Well, 50 million people thought so.
BOB
Fifty million people! HA ha ha! I can’t believe it!
CUT TO: Entrées are being eaten. ME is telling a story and BOB is laughing so hard that his meal is
practically untouched and his head is resting on the table.
ME
…And that’s how we spent our vacation. It was a lot of fun.
BOB
hahahaha-vacation-hahaha-fun-hahahaha.
LARRY
That’s nice.
ME
We thought so.
CUT TO: Dessert. BOB is nowhere to be seen. LARRY and ME are focused intently on our desserts.
ME
Is he okay?
LARRY
(Looks at floor by table) Yes, I think he’s okay. He’s stopped twitching at least.
ME
Good. That’s good.
LARRY
Sure.
ME
How’s your pie?
LARRY
Eeeeh, it’s fine.
ME
Yeah, I guess that’s the best you can hope for in ordering pie in a Mexican restaurant, right?
(BOB’s hand appears)
BOB
PIE! MEXICAN PIE! HHAHAaargh.
CUT TO: Paying the bill
LARRY
I’ve got to run, but it was good seeing you again Bob. Weh, it was nice meeting you too.
ME
Likewise. I’ll talk to you later, Bob.
BOB
You guys! You guys! You have to... you guys!
WAITRESS
That was awful.
Fade to Black
Post script:
1. For those of you that read through that entire mess, I'd like to extend my sincere apologies. Sometimes, I write things for the sake of having written something.
2. Everything I know about Larry David, I made up. I have no idea if he is "from" or "of" LA, if he likes Mexican restaurants, has ever had any interaction with an airline whatsoever, or if he enjoys pie.
3. The events in this script were entirely made up and oh my god, I think I just wrote a fanfic...
4. If you are Larry David, please do not be angry with me just because your life's work doesn't do anything for me. I mean, you don't see Michaelangelo getting worked up because I don't care that much for his statue of David. Hmm... maybe I just have something against Davids in general?
5. If you decide to perform my script, please do not harm Larry David.
6. Scott might notice that this version of the script varies ever so slightly from the one that he read earlier. This version contains one corrected typo. I would have corrected more, but I was having fun writing this bit at the end and just didn't go back to it. See if you can find the correction Scott!
7. If you didn't laugh reading this, you have some idea of how I feel.
8. I've made it as far as 7 on this list, so now I have to push for an even 10.
Here's the FAQ:
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: I just don't find it very funny.
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: Um, I guess I just don't feel anything for any of the characters?
Q: How can you not like Seinfeld?
A: I-I just... look, I don't need specific reasons not to like-
Q: But how can you not like Seinfeld?
A: No further comment.
For those of you that were paying attention, each of those questions was written as though asked by each of the characters from the show. Have fun figuring out which was which!
Seinfeld was a creation of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David, both of whom are fabulously wealthy from the proceeds of not making me laugh. Larry David has another hit comedy show called Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Why on earth am I bringing this up? Because the other day, I had a conversation with my good friend Scott that somehow morphed into me writing a description of what it would be like if I met Larry David. Anyway, I took time out of my life to write it up just so I could impress upon Scott how serious I was about wanting to take a break at that time (because I totally wouldn't have written this up while I was on the clock, that would be dishonest.)
Without further ado, here is the original script for "Meeting Larry David". I hope you enjoy it as much as I didn't.
MEETING LARRY DAVID
by
Weh-Ming Cho
CAST OF CHARACTERS
ME – Me
LARRY – Larry David
BOB – Our mutual friend
INT Restaurant. It’s a Mexican restaurant, with lots of South of the Border flare. BOB and ME are sitting
at a table.
BOB
I can’t wait for you to meet Larry! We should have done this years ago.
ME
You’ve told me so much about him, I feel like I know him already.
BOB
He’s a lot like you. He’s got a really different sense of humour. Man, when he gets going at a party
WATCH OUT!
ME
Does he know how to get here?
BOB
Oh yeah, this is his favorite place, we eat here all the time. Here he is! Larry! Over here!
LARRY
Hey Bob.
BOB
Larry, this is my friend Weh. Weh, this is Larry.
ME
Nice to meet you, Larry. Bob’s talked about you so much that I feel like I already know you!
LARRY
That’s nice.
(BOB looks back and forth between LARRY and ME. He has a huge stupid smile on his face and is
practically vibrating from excitement.)
ME
Yeah…so.
BOB
Larry lives in LA! Right Larry?
LARRY
Yes, Los Angeles. But I’m not from there. I’m just of there.
ME
I’ve only been there once, but we had a great time.
LARRY
Good, good.
(BOB laughs maniacally.)
BOB
You guys!
ME
Yeah…
CUT TO: The three of them are eating appetizers. LARRY is telling a story and BOB is laughing so hard
that he is crying.
LARRY
…and that’s when I said this is the worst airline I’ve ever not flown on.
BOB
(Breathless) I…can’t-hahaha-believe-hahahaha-they’d do that!
ME
That’s pretty funny.
LARRY
Well, 50 million people thought so.
BOB
Fifty million people! HA ha ha! I can’t believe it!
CUT TO: Entrées are being eaten. ME is telling a story and BOB is laughing so hard that his meal is
practically untouched and his head is resting on the table.
ME
…And that’s how we spent our vacation. It was a lot of fun.
BOB
hahahaha-vacation-hahaha-fun-hahahaha.
LARRY
That’s nice.
ME
We thought so.
CUT TO: Dessert. BOB is nowhere to be seen. LARRY and ME are focused intently on our desserts.
ME
Is he okay?
LARRY
(Looks at floor by table) Yes, I think he’s okay. He’s stopped twitching at least.
ME
Good. That’s good.
LARRY
Sure.
ME
How’s your pie?
LARRY
Eeeeh, it’s fine.
ME
Yeah, I guess that’s the best you can hope for in ordering pie in a Mexican restaurant, right?
(BOB’s hand appears)
BOB
PIE! MEXICAN PIE! HHAHAaargh.
CUT TO: Paying the bill
LARRY
I’ve got to run, but it was good seeing you again Bob. Weh, it was nice meeting you too.
ME
Likewise. I’ll talk to you later, Bob.
BOB
You guys! You guys! You have to... you guys!
WAITRESS
That was awful.
Fade to Black
Post script:
1. For those of you that read through that entire mess, I'd like to extend my sincere apologies. Sometimes, I write things for the sake of having written something.
2. Everything I know about Larry David, I made up. I have no idea if he is "from" or "of" LA, if he likes Mexican restaurants, has ever had any interaction with an airline whatsoever, or if he enjoys pie.
3. The events in this script were entirely made up and oh my god, I think I just wrote a fanfic...
4. If you are Larry David, please do not be angry with me just because your life's work doesn't do anything for me. I mean, you don't see Michaelangelo getting worked up because I don't care that much for his statue of David. Hmm... maybe I just have something against Davids in general?
5. If you decide to perform my script, please do not harm Larry David.
6. Scott might notice that this version of the script varies ever so slightly from the one that he read earlier. This version contains one corrected typo. I would have corrected more, but I was having fun writing this bit at the end and just didn't go back to it. See if you can find the correction Scott!
7. If you didn't laugh reading this, you have some idea of how I feel.
8. I've made it as far as 7 on this list, so now I have to push for an even 10.
10. Nah.
Ha ha haa. I love this script. Larry David always makes me laugh, and you nailed him, right down to the subtle mannerisms. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteThat response was meta on so many levels... 10 points to Gryffindor.
DeleteI have had the "How can you not like Seinfeld?" conversation with you more than once. I still don't understand.
ReplyDeleteThat's because you're Seinfeld.
DeleteThat's right, all this time, you, Jocelyn Covert, have been Seinfeld.
It's a terrible, shameful secret that we all swore we would never tell... but we all prefer the real you over your middle-age male comedian personality. Please, for the children, get some help.
Also, please tell us where you have been keeping the money because it's been rather stingy of you to keep it all for your other self.
I don't like Seinfeld, either. Except for that dark haired woman, I like her. But the rest of them.....
ReplyDeleteAnd just like that, it got weird.
Delete