My Newest Creation

Considering that my fame and fortune are currently based on a funny Kijiji ad, I haven't posted anything on it in a while.  There are a few reasons for this.  First and foremost, I wanted to enjoy the wave of awesome that was the Snowblower Ad.  It was wicked good fun, and as long as you're not Paul Christoforo, a little celebrity is a pretty good time.

Second, I had enough other projects on the go that writing another Kijiji ad wasn't even on the horizon for me. Trying to fit another Kijiji ad in would probably have killed me.  Or, at the very least, it would have moved me to a more permanent residence out of the bedroom and onto the couch.

Third, I didn't have anything to sell.  Sure, I got a lot of requests from people asking if I would help them sell their junk, but nothing really caught my attention.  I mean, how would you follow up the snow blower ad?  I didn't want to be the guy that writes snow removal and snow removal related object ads.  I had a few things that I thought might be interesting, but the seller either turned out to be fake or not very serious about it.

Well, I think the publicity has calmed down sufficiently that I'm ready to do something else.  I've cleaned out enough other items on my to do list that I had time to write.  And I found something to sell.  Or, more accurately, something to sell found me.

Allen wrote me shortly after the snowblower ad blew up.  Like Alec's email, it caught my attention by being both funny and grammatically correct. He wrote:

A few weeks ago, while pretending to do work at my desk, I came across a newspaper article entitle "the snowblower that ate the internet". The next 10 minutes were spent cleaning my desk of the jasmine herbal tea that had exploded through my nose.

Besides providing a brief comedic relief in the middle of a droning regular desk job, I didn't think I would ever find myself writing to you with a unique proposition that I hope you will consider.

What Allen needed was help selling his business, or more accurately, one of his businesses.  He's something of an over achiever and an entrepreneur, holding down a full time job while trying to juggle his burgeoning empire.  Once I was convinced that he was for real and wasn't a Nigerian scambot, I agreed to consider his request.  And, like a great Kijiji sale, he agreed to all my terms and conditions (though I've had to forego my usual "you have to pick it up" as he is far, far away from me).

So, without further ado, I present to you my newest Kijiji ad.  I hope it will be my Empire Strikes Back and not my Back to the Future: Part 2.  Text below, screenshots will be taken.

For Sale:  The First (and Only) Feng Shui Approved Cell Phone Kiosk

2011 is over and what do you have to show for it?  Remember when you made your New Year’s Resolutions last year?  You said that 2011 was going to be the year that you took life by the horns, threw a saddle on it, and make your place in the history books.

But you didn’t, did you?  

No, you didn’t do it and now here it is, 2012 is upon us and you’re making the same resolution you did last year.  And you know what’s going to happen?  The same thing that happened last year.  And the year before that. And the year before that.  Unless...

You buy the First (and Only) Feng Shui Approved Cell Phone Kiosk.

That’s right, you read it correctly.  This cart of destiny was inspected and adjusted by a trained practitioner of the ancient Chinese study of feng shui.  

Did it make a difference?  Let me tell you a story:  

Getting any business off the ground is tough.  In this case, the trouble started when I was getting the business ON the ground.  The cart was delivered late.  Then we couldn’t get it off the truck.  Then we couldn’t get it through the mall doors to get it set up.  What should have taken a couple of hours ended up taking three days and costing more than a few scraped knuckles and bruised egos.  Once it was going, it felt like I was swimming against the tide.  Money was being made, but it felt like a constant battle.

Now, if you believe in the power of a 6000 year old tradition, everything turned around after the geomancer visited us.  The location became more profitable, business continued to pick up and people began commenting on how I seemed to be healthier, happier and handsomer.  The Cardinals won the World Series not long after, but I can’t say for sure that correcting the energy flow around the cart had anything to do with that.  On the other hand, you know what they say about butterflies in Brazil causing tornadoes in Texas.

On the other hand, if you think feng shui has all the power of a four leaf clover, then all the good things that happened came as a direct result of the time, energy and hard work that was put into this business and into becoming a part of the community.  The fact that it picked up shortly after the whole feng shui thing is a complete coincidence and is nothing more than a clever story to draw attention to this ad - I thank you for reading this far, you are obviously a keen thinker and are waiting for me to get to the point.  Also, the story about butterflies and hurricanes probably ends poorly for the butterflies in Texas.

Here are some things that you should know about this business opportunity:

1. It is located next to the food court.  This means that you have an audience who, for the duration of their meal, are completely captive.  Put on a puppet show, dress up like an astronaut, or just showcase your products and you’ll have them eating out of your hand (metaphorically speaking).  I do not recommend doing all three at once.
2. This is the first Mobilicity cart.  Number one.  Numero un. 一把手. This means that any Mobilicity cart that you see in the wild is but a pale shadow of this one.  Once we proved to Mobilicity that it was an effective solution, they rolled the other locations out.  We did it first, and we did it right!
3. This is a profitable, turnkey operation. Why would anyone sell a profitable business?  Because I’m currently working 22 hours a day.  If I can sell this location, I might be able to take a nap.
4. This could be your best chance to get in with Mobilicity as an exclusive dealer.  If you want to stay on as a dealer, I will throw in my business plan - absolutely free - with the purchase of the business.  Everything that I’ve done, and everything that I had planned to do, is all yours.  Of course, you don’t have to do any of it, what do I know?  I’m just the guy that made it profitable.  Maybe you’re some kind of sales genius.  You could sell baby seals from it if you wanted to (illustrative purposes only, the mall will not allow you to sell baby seals).

Still not convinced?  

Okay, let me tell you about the Relaxotron 5000.  Yes, you are mere steps away from being the most relaxed you’ve ever been, whether you want it or not.  We will celebrate the conclusion of our deal with 60 seconds in the Relaxotron 5000, forever binding our paths together through sharing an incredibly awkward massage from a machine in a public setting.

Building an empire is hard work, believe me.

You have to work hard, make sacrifices, face challenges that others cower from and have faith that you are making the right decisions. It takes ambition, determination and sacrifice to carve your mark on this world, until you are finally able to stand before the rushing hordes and say “I SHALL NOT FAIL!”  Don’t let the spectre of another year of missed opportunities pass you by.

Finally, as if you needed more proof that this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for, I convinced the guy who wrote the Kijiji Snowblower Ad to write this ad for me.  (It’s true, he did. You can check out my website for confirmation!  Weh-Ming Cho)  This could also be your chance to rub shoulders with someone who has talked to someone that is Internet Famous!  

Make this the year you become the boss of you.  For more information, click the link up in the top right hand corner or send me a message.  

You will be putty in its relaxing kung fu grip.